So This is The New Year, And I Don’t Feel Any Different.

I have always hated New Year’s. I feel I start alot of my blogs this way, but I truly hate New Year’s. I think it’s because I have always felt very alone. Every year, when I was a kid, we would visit family; I wouldn’t be with any friends or anyone my own age, for that matter. I was alone with my own devices. Later in life, I had a boyfriend abandoned me on New Year’s. I was stuck by myself that night playing my 3DS on my grandmother’s couch.

It’s not that I have no where to go on New Year’s, and it really doesn’t matter. I think, deep down, I’m melancholy because something is ending. Time is subjective, and the idea of a year ‘ending’ is socially constructed. This time, however, I don’t necessarily feel melancholy. I feel apathetic if any thing. I really should be celebrating this past year. I really have accomplished alot in 2017. Despite living in a poor political and social climate, I have done well.

That’s hard for me to say. I feel like I never do enough. I feel, deep down, I wasted my year. I have to constantly remind myself my accomplishments. Hell, I’m writing on a regular basis, and I bought a house!

I’m trying to look towards the future. I am going to try and shed a few pounds. I really want to learn Japanese (and hopefully go visit there in the fall), and I want to watch every ‘best picture’ winner this year. The one thing I want most: life to slow down. Just a tiny bit.

-E

Lady Bird

I finally got to see Lady Bird this past week. I have been following this film for several months, and it was an incredible experience. The premise of the movie is a teenager finding her place in the world. It sounds typical, but it explores her relationships with other people, and how she is a different person with each. She doesn’t necessarily become mature at the end of the film, but has a better understanding of the people in her life.
This movie really hit home with me. As a teenager, I struggled finding myself. I moved when I was 10 years old. It is the worst time for a kid to change schools. I didn’t know anyone, and I tried my hardest to make friends. I did make some, but I never had that ‘friend’. You know, the kind you meet in kindergarten, and stay best friends until graduation; maybe ‘lucky’ enough to have kids at the same time so they grow up to rinse and repeat. I wanted that, mainly because I felt so alienated for no reason.

I think that’s why I turned to the ‘alternative’ crowd. These bands of misfits fit the stereotype of being losers. I hate to say that, but they fit the bill. They were slackers, and didn’t have any ambition. That didn’t appeal to me. I wanted more than a husband and kids. I didn’t want to be stuck in Kentucky. I didn’t want to go to church every Sunday. I wanted out.

This was about the time I started to feel depression.

I started crying during Lady Bird because I knew how she felt. She was an average student who didn’t fit in, and was constantly overlooked. That was me, and no one understood that. Looking back, if I just had one person who would listen to me, and just be empathetic, I would have fared better. We can rewind time unfortunately, but I can be that voice that says ‘you can survive this’. It may seem horrible and hopeless, but there will be a time where you can control your life a bit more, and make your own decisions. Look forward to those days.

-E.

‘I’ve Got Out At Last!’

A subject I have always been curious about was demon possession. Growing up, I did believe that it was a real thing, and that terrified me. The fear worsened when I started dealing with mental illness. If you google search ‘demon possession and mental illness’ you get a mass of information from religious establishments trying to prove that possession is real. Or they have a laundry list of how to tell the difference between demon possession and mental illness.

It’s scary because just up until recently we have acknowledged that mental illness is a problem that needs to be taken seriously. Could you imagine living with bipolar disorder or Schizophrenia in the 19th century? You would lead a very difficult life. I reflect on this because it absolutely terrifies me. It’s one of the few irrational fears that I have. If I lived with the mental illness that I have during the 19th century, I could have been put into a mental institution, and went through horrible ‘treatments’.

My mind goes back to ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’ by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. This short story was written in 1892, and is worth your time. It is reflects on the perspective of women at that time; especially when it comes to mental health. The woman in the story is, obviously, dealing with a mental illness and her husband insists on bed rest. The woman’s state of mind is worsened by having to stay in this room during the summer. Could you imagine? Being made to lay in bed for months at a time?

I know with my depression, I have to keep busy. If I don’t, my mind will stray. This is dangerous because I can easily start thinking about everything that is wrong with me, how I’m a ‘failure’, how I’m ‘worthless’,etc. Then I spiral down the hole that is depression. This can lead to suicidal thoughts, mood swings, or even the will to live. On my worst days, I can’t get out of bed; I literally can’t do anything.

We can’t fall into these times again. We need to keep battling this stigma on mental illness. We can’t blame it on ‘demon possession’ or it’s a ‘woman’s issue’. We have to be rational thinkers. We can’t blame what we don’t understand on something supernatural. We can’t blame it on one of the minorities of our society. I hope we never back track this far. I hope we never grasp for ignorance instead of rationality again.

 

-E.

Side Effects Include…

Switching medication didn’t seem like a big deal to me, at first. There is no miracle pill for depression/anxiety. You may find one medication that works great for your mood swings, but you can’t sleep, for example. You are constantly weighing your options. You make this pros and cons list of what you are willing to deal with.

I didn’t think it would be this… complicated. I always minimize my burdens. I feel like I don’t suffer that much. I always feel like it’s just life, and I have to deal with what totally throws at me. I feel like I need to stop doing this. Not necessarily I need to start putting myself, but realize that I’m going through alot right now. I’m dealing with weight loss and gain (currently gaining) my sex drive is either non-existent or I’m like a cat in heat. I can’t sleep worth shit, my face continues to break out, I’m getting these lovely body pains especially in my shins (it hurts so much I limp). However, my mood swings, my suicidal thoughts are under control. So, is it worth dealing with all of the other shit if my depression seems to be interesting control?

I can’t imagine what some people go through with these medications. The side effects are a spectrum; one in particular lowers your seizure threshold. Hopefully, this doesn’t happen to me, but it scares me. So, now I’m having to reevaluate my lifestyle. Do I eat less? Do I switch to a stricter die? Do I need to try different sleep hygiene techniques? Or do I just try new medicine altogether?

It’s a hard decision to make. I know my symptoms are more of an inconvenience than anything, but is it worth inconveniences stacking on top of each other making me miserable in a new way?
-E.