One of my lifetime dreams has come true. I will be spending two weeks in Japan in September! I’m really excited. When the tickets were bought, I was almost in tears. I was so damn happy in that moment. I can still feel the anticipation whenever I think about it.
Later that night, I had suicidal thoughts.
Suicidal thoughts are part of my life. It doesn’t happen everyday, but sometimes during the evening. I just get melancholy. This melancholia leads to sadness to downright sorrow. I just feel like I’m drowning.
This is the face of depression. It just goes to show you that it’s not about ‘cheering up’. It’s about how you have this dark silhouette in the back of your mind saying ‘you don’t deserve this’. If I could get over my depression, I would in a fucking heart beat. I hate it so much, I cry because I live with what leaves like a ‘curse’.
I know I sound like ‘Oh, woe is me’. The past two years have been amazing: I moved to Minneapolis, I bought a house with my wonderful husband, I have two beautiful German Shepherds, I have a job that I like (for the most part).
Hell! I am getting published!
So why aren’t I happy?
When someone commits suicide, it always comes as a shock to everyone. Like they would have done something about it. There is a reason for this: No one who is dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts wants to be a burden. It’s not like they don’t want to pour out their problems, they just don’t want to scare people away. I have scared friends away, boyfriends, family, etc. because of my depression. I was made to feel like I was a crazy person, and I was treated differently. Everyone expected to me to just ‘get over it’.
You could be king of the world, and it wouldn’t ‘cure’ you.
So how do you deal?
Even though I am on medication, I still have these thoughts. But I have a plan to deal with this.
Having someone really helps; Dill is a great supporter and we have worked to be transparent with one another. I used to be afraid to tell him what was going on with me, but we have spent so much time developing our relationship that it comes easy. I immediately tell him when I have these thoughts. We talk about it.
Staying busy is key. I keep my mind busy in the evening because that’s when it happens most of the time. I sit on the couch, and it just slowly creeps up on me. I can’t get up off the couch for hours, and it takes all my will power to get up. So when I sit down during this time, I made sure I have a book, play a video game, write, watch a movie, anything.
If you are struggling, I know it’s hard, but reach out. Even though you can’t help that you have depression, you need a game plan. We only have one life, and may not have another one after death. So, try and enjoy it. Even if it’s a horrible day, do your best to pick yourself up.
If we give up, we are letting depression win.