Escaping Reality

The past week has been tough. Absolutely rough. Life is just fucking me over right now. I’m trying to not be a negative Nancy, which is so hard for me to do.

Good news is that it was therapy week. One thing that stuck with me during this session was my inability to be in the moment. When discussing this idea with my therapist it seemed I didn’t know how to do that. I don’t actively stop and smell the flowers. I worry about the future; I never look at the present to reflect. Then she pointed how that I do, in a way, celebrate the present. I don’t worry about anything, I just enjoy the moment.

I do this through walking, writing, cleaning, etc. But what really stuck out was video games.

Lately, I have been playing Persona 5. For those who don’t know, it takes 100 hours to beat. Not to mention even longer if you want to be a completionist. On top of that, it’s a JRPG (Japanese role playing game). It’s a complex, story-driven game that is just amazing.

I hate JRPGS, but I love this game.

The role that this game has in my life is giving me a door to escape to. I can immerse myself into it, and just enjoy the moment. All this time I had been stopping to appreciate life. Just not consciously.

I have had so many people tell me I’m wasting time playing video games. That’s it’s childish. It makes me feel horrible, like I have to be productive all the time.

These days, I stop myself from thinking that way. The same people that tell me I waste my time sit in front of their television; mindlessly watching. The hypocrisy is there.

Escaping into a video game helps me cope. To forget, at the least, of the issues I deal with.

On top of that, I’m an adult. I don’t feel like it because I’m constantly treated like I’m not. I’m almost 26, and I still am told what I should and should not be doing.

Last time I checked, I have a full time job, able to pay all my bills, and have goals in my life.

If video games are a waste of time, so be it. But they have always and will continue to get me through the day.

‘Wouldn’t It Be Better If it All Just Blew Away?’ – Mike Wazowski

I’m a day behind. With everything going on in my life, I didn’t have one thought about my blog yesterday. I have so much in my personal life going on, such as buying a house, and my on going journey to conquer my depression. And what’s worse, today I really don’t feel like writing anything.

I have this horrible cycle I go through. Something will happen, something small. It could be a slight on social media or some asshole in traffic. I just get triggered. It just oozes into my daily life, and I feel completely useless.

I feel like my blog is useless. I feel like my novel is useless. I feel like everything I do is useless.

I’m not trying to be ‘Oh, woe is me.’ It’s how I really feel. So why the hell am I writing today if I don’t feel like it?

I have to push myself. I have to think that someone is reading this and getting something out of it. I have to think that my novel will be finished one day. I have to persevere through this.

Now, the nihilist in me feels like this is pointless. No matter what I do, it’s not really going to change anything. That if I died tomorrow, no one will be affected. We all die, and we are all forgotten about eventually.

It’s not the depression talking, it’s just my perspective. I feel like it’s realistic. People that work so hard to have this legacy after they die are foolish. Legacies don’t last. They never do. That’s just, you know, life.

This duality is hard to curb. Especially when you have a indifferent nihilistic perspective, then you have a depressive nihilistic perspective that sucks away your willpower.

I will never be a positive person. Never. Can’t do it. I feel like I’m not positive because I’ve been fucked over by life so much.

So the best I can do is just keep pushing through it.


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For The Love of Video Games. 

To be a little more positive, I’m starting a series involving my video game collection. Each week, I’m going to showcase a piece of my collection, and what it means to me.
Video game collecting has been a passion of mine. The thrill of finding a game that you have been wanting for years is one of the best feelings. I collect because I enjoy video games. Yes, some do have value, but that’s not why I collect.

When it comes to my struggle with depression, video games give me an out. Only for a limited time, I can immerse myself into a different world. It doesn’t heal me, by any means. It keeps it at bay.

So, my first piece is my Earthbound collection. This is very dear to me because it was the first game I bought when I decided to be serious about collecting video games. This game is such a hidden gem on the Super Nintendo. It’s so original. I laugh at this game constantly, and you really never know what’s going to happen next.

I’ll be doing my regular blog about mental health still each week.

Stay tuned.

Paranoid Android



Sweating excessively

Stumbling over words

Skin becoming red/blotchy

Hands shaking

Heart Palpitations

Head Aches

Low energy


These are all symptoms of my anxiety, and this is just some of them.


Last Night….

I live in the middle apartment of a 6 apartment complex. I heard noise from all sides. So, there was very loud music above me. I was home alone. We have a quiet hours policy; 9 on the weekdays, 10 on the weekends.

It was past 9. This isn’t the first time this has happened with the above apartment. They woke me up once, granted, months ago with their loud TV. I took a broom and banged on the ceiling out of frustration of being woken up in the middle of the damn night (I get up at 4AM for work).

My anxiety kicked in. We put up with their loud music, TV, exercising equipment, etc. and I had it. I started to sweat, my heart started pounding, my head started to hurt. My body was shutting down. When this happens, it is so hard to function. I don’t know how I get through work, honestly. So, I sat there for a minute, just hoping they would stop.

It didn’t.

So, I called Dillon (my significant other). He is my lifeline. He is the only person I’m 100% real with. I don’t have to worry about embarrassing myself, and I’m not afraid to ask him anything. He tried to calm me down, “I’ll take care of it tomorrow,” (He works nights).

So, I think ‘Okay, we will get this figured out.’

But, part of me, was like ‘No, this is so disrespectful. Maybe they don’t know how loud they are, maybe they don’t care. Regardless, they need to know.’

So, I took the broom and banged on the ceiling. Twice.


I go towards my front door, and I can hear the music very clearly. It sounds like their door is open. I heard girls giggling. This goes on for several minutes, then the door closes.

I put my house shoes on and marched up the stairs.

Let me pause for a moment.

I have been told, and it’s true, people are intimidated by me.  Why? I present myself in a very mature way. People think I’m confident, people think I’m vain, people think I’m a bitch. Let’s just say it. People think I’m a bitch. Not just strangers, but past friends and family members think that of me.

I’m the complete opposite.

Holy shit.

I have no confidence. I don’t think I’m pretty, I really struggle with my self-esteem. As a result, I used to cut myself. I felt like I needed to punish myself for being ugly. But on top of that, I never dressed in a conventional manner. I was the alternative kid. I’m still alternative.

Give me an old pair of chucks, and a leather jacket ANYDAY over a colorful dress.

I really don’t like color. Most of my wardrobe is black. I love it.


This intimidation has really crippled me before. Especially, as a woman, men feel threatened by me. Not only because of my demeanor, but I don’t put up with shit.

Once I grab on to something, I’m not letting it go till I’m ready to.


So Back to Last night

I knocked on their door, with Dillon still on the phone, mind you.

A man opens the door.

He was young, probably around my age.
I simply said “Hi, could you please turn your music down? It’s really loud in my apartment.”

He looked taken back. His eyes were a little wide.

“Oh, sure.”

I thanked him and went back into my apartment.

Dillon was like ‘Did you just go up there..?’




Now, you would think I would feel better because I confronted my problem. I overcame my anxiety, even with my heart pounding, and faced it.




I was worse after the fact. I had the symptoms listed at the top. Times ten. I was trying to take deep breaths, I tried listening to soft music, etc.


Nothing worked.


I took my anxiety medicine. It took over an hour to kick in. That’s the kicker with my medicine, it will hit me between 5-60 minutes. And it hits me hard. I have to sleep after I take it.


But the one symptom I didn’t mention:




This is the worst symptom because it triggers the other symptoms. I am so worried about every word that comes out of my mouth. I’m worried about how I walk, how I pass someone (Do I look at them or no?), greeting someone, just holding a conversation. I am so paranoid I’m going to get embarrassed.

Even if I don’t do anything weird, I still think about it.


So now, I’m worried about how our neighbors are going to react to us. To sum up my thoughts: ‘Do they think I’m a bitch?’

I’m so afraid this is going to have consequences. I’m thinking of the extreme: Are we going to get evicted? Are they going to play their music louder now?

I’m getting anxious just thinking about it.


This is just a facet of the problems I have because of my mental illnesses.


I have to keep pushing through though. If I don’t build myself up, I’m going to get to a point where I will never leave my apartment or just be able to drive to the grocery store.


I know for a fact my anxiety has gotten worse in the past couple of months. But I gotta keep fighting.


Oh, and yes, they turned down their music immediately.



Get Those Creative Juices Flowing.

Something that seems to be common with writers is an introverted lifestyle. That is putting the stereotype lightly. Like writer’s just lock themselves in a room and just stew in self pity and alcoholism. I feel like sometimes people associate writers with mental illness because writer’s tend to isolate themselves to focus on their writing.
Some writers do have a mental illness. Some famous writers have been open about or people assume they struggled with mental illness due to their lifestyle. Of course some have resorted to suicide. 
I think this is a double edge sword. In one way, people who write are creative. And people who tend to be introverted are more thoughtful in a creative aspect. Some of the best ideas I have had with my novel is just sitting with my notebook doing some free writing. I love being in a quiet, cool room to concentrate on my ideas. 

On the other hand, being isolated can promote depression. Then though I love being alone, I have to socialize. As humans, socializing is an important element. If we didn’t socialize, we would be feral. We wouldn’t know how to function if we met other humans. We probably wouldn’t live long because of the lack of human contact. When I’m alone for a long period of time, that depression sets in. 

It’s a complicated idea. When I tell people I’m writing a novel I can tell some, not all, have a weird expression after I tell them that. Like I have something seriously wrong with me. Others look at me like I’m a genius.

I assure you, I’m far from genius. 

I feel like we need to hold people who are introverted, not just writers, in getter regard. I dread being around people. It freaks me out. It’s not that I don’t like people, they just make me nervous. But after I get out and socialize, it’s not so bad. I freak out over saying the wrong thing, but that’s just how I’m wired. I hope one day people will see introverts without stigma. 

Not everyone can be a social butterfly.

AMIIBOS! Video Game Collection Pt. 8 


The best marketing scheme I have ever fallen for. 

When the Amiibo craze started, Dillon was obsessed. We bought every Amiibo you could get your hands on. We stood in line, camped on Amazon, woke up super early and went to Toys R’ Us….

We definitely have slowed down since then. We have sold a bunch of them, and against my moral values, we have opened up several. 

I hate and love Amiibos. I love having figures of some of my favorite characters, especially from the Zelda franchise. At the same time, it’s a collector’s nightmare. I have learned to have some control over what I buy. I do love how you can use Amiibos for certain perks in games. For example, I sit for, at least, 10 minutes and use my Amiibos in Zelda: Breath Of The Wild. You get all kinds of items, and Amiibo exclusive weapons and armor. 

What’s complete bullshit is when you have to have an Amiibo for certain game functions. The most recent being, if you want to unlock hard mode on Metroid 2 you have to buy the Amiibo pack which is 30 dollars.

30 fucking dollars.

Really Nintendo?

Regardless, I love these things. I hope we see more in the future with ample stock.

Let’s Talk About That Zelda! – Video Game Collection Pt. 7

If I had to play one video game for the rest of my life it would be Zelda; especially Link To The Past. But that’s a tale for another day. I’m here to talk about Twilight Princess.

Now, I have so much Zelda shit, it’s stupid. I know there are many people who have ten times more than me, there are people who collect EVERYTHING Zelda. I focus more on the games. Getting complete copies of each game and having multiple formats of the same game. 

I have 4 copies of TP.

Tip of the iceberg.


Twilight Princess is my second favorite Zelda game. 

I know that’s blasphemy. Just like Majora’s Mask is my least favorite (I’ll take Zelda II ANY DAY over MM). 

Twilight Princess also holds a very special place in my heart in more than one way.

I was one of those people that freaked out over how gorgeous TP looked. I cried. Just a little. 

Zelda was the one game my parents would buy me. Mind you, I had been playing Zelda since I was two, and they saw how much I loved it. So, it seemed almost like a ritual when a new Zelda game came out, I ended up with a system to play it on. My parents bought a SNES to play LttP. My parents bought a N64 for OoT. My parents bought me a Wii for TP. Those were some of the best memories of my adolescence. 

So there’s that.

It holds another special place in my heart because that’s how I met my partner-in-time, Dillon. I also thought it was appropriate to discuss this game because it’s been ten years since I met Dillon


I can’t believe we were 15 ten years ago. It just blows my mind. 

So, we met at the lunch table in highschool. I recently moved back to the area, and was slowly making friends. When I met Dillon he was describing how he couldn’t get to the higher levels of the Lakebed Temple. He can’t hitting the table with the palm of his hand, and then pointing saying ‘how do I get up there?!’ 

Everyone was laughing at him. 

I thought he looked damn stupid.

So, the first thing I say to him is ‘It a pretty easy dungeon. You can’t handle it?’ or something to that effect.

 Bottom line: I made fun of him. 

It was a horrible thing to do, especially with me being the new kid, and I totally didn’t know him. But he took it in stride.

Now, mind you, this blossomed into a great friendship. Nothing more for the longest time. This isn’t some ‘love at first sight’ shit. We had periods of hating one another. It was quite a turbulent relationship.

But when we talk about TP, it’s always with fondness and inside jokes.

Now, the game itself, is spectacular. I was in awe of how big Hyrule Field was, and how alive Castle Town was. I loved how you could turn into a wolf for certain objectives. I loved how gorgeous the world looked. It was everything a Zelda game should be and more.

Alot of people don’t like it it seems. Whether it be the long burn off a beginning, or just the overall gloom that hangs over the game. 

If you haven’t played it, you need to check it out especially if you are a Zelda fan. The controls are tight on very port, and the story may start slow, but it becomes quite gripping.

Happy 10 years Dill!


Video Game Collection Pt. 6

Donkey Kong Country is a classic SNES game. Most people have played it, and absolutely love it. With good reason; the platforming and controls are polished. The graphics were ahead of it’s time: using 3D character models that looked better than some games in the later game console generation. 

I have a weird tick about DKC. When I was a child, I owned only the first game. And everytime it was ‘Game Over’, I would scream. I have no idea why, but that ‘Game Over’ screen freaked me out. 

That image still makese anxious. Accomapnied with the somber, creepy music; it was fucking nightmare fuel for me.

I don’t know why it scared me so much, but in my experience, unconventional things freak me out. And this ‘Game Over’ screen was one of them. Another video game moment that scared me was in Tomb Raider 1 (PS1), where a statue comes to life. 

Scared the shit out of me.

I couldn’t play that game for weeks.


My favorite thing about DKC was the music. The music is excellent. It sets the right tone for each level. One of my favorite levels is Crystal Caves. 

I fell in love with this level because it’s just down right beautiful. The crystals would gleem in the background, making the world come alive. The level itself is nerve-wracking, and the music just makes it worse. But after you beat it, it’s so satisfying. 

I have played the other DKC games, and they are just as good, if not better. 

But the first one is a comfort game, and that is the one I will always go back to. 


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All By Myself

These past two weeks have been tough. My depression has been hitting me hard. I’m in the process of getting my medicine modified.. again. The up-hill battle of finding the right medicine for depression is so hard. There is no cure-all pill. When you do find the right one, even then you have to push yourself into a self-care routine. 

I’m slowly crawling my way out of the pit. 

It sucks.

The one thing a person needs during this time is support. Which ironically, is the hardest thing to get when you deal with mental illness.

Let’s be clear: I have had one person in my life that has helped me with my depression. One. 

That’s not an exaggeration. My parents took me once to get treated for depression. I was in the 8th grade, and I couldn’t even be 100% honest about how I was feeling. I felt too ashamed to say I was having suicidal thoughts. That’s all the support I had growing up. 

With school, in general, I had a tough time making friends. I was an outgoing child, but my family moved during a crucial time of social development, then moved back during my junior year of high school.

I have one friend from highschool I still talk to and another that is significant other now. 

I had friends who I called family. But, in the end, I was the only one who was loyal. 

I don’t mean nonsense like they found another best friend or some melodramatic bullshit. I mean, I was there for them during their crisis, but they weren’t there for me. My depression was gross to people. I couldn’t be open about my paranoia or my mood swings. I had to make excuses for behavior sometimes. Like I was cheerful because ‘I was tired’. 

I think my bad luck was due to my trusting nature. However, I’m not a saint.

I have done some stupid and damning things, but in these scenarios, I gave my all in these relationships. Because I so wanted a friend on my level. I wanted a friend to say ‘It’s okay, I’m here for you. Talk to me’. 

I understand it’s hard for people to openly care. When I say ‘openly care’ I mean, we don’t want to hop over an emotional wall because of social awkwardness or lack of empathy. 

And part of me wanted to fix people: I had a friend who was popping pills, had an eating disorder, and suffered from depression. I was always there for her, no matter what. But I never got the same treatment. She was an asshole, plain and simple. She, obviously, had problems. But when my problems came up, she ignored me. She steered the conversation towards herself. She was a master manipulator, and it made me so anrgy that she treated people this way.

This is only one example of my failed friendships. 
I have a few friends in Minneapolis. They seem to have their shit together. Which is a nice change of pace. As for people back in Kentucky? There are a few I still talk to. There are a couple who would do anything for me, and I keep in touch. 

But my only best friend is my significant other: Dillon. He is the only one I can rely on. He knows all my dark corners, and accepts me. And I try to support him back. 

I try to tell myself I don’t need quantity over quality. It hurts that I have been fucked over so much. 

Let me be clear: I’m not trying to play the victim. I have done some things that have caused rights and problems in friendships.

But at this point, there is not much I can do. I have apologized my shitty behavior. But regardless, I have cut the toxic relationships. Sometimes you just have to forgive and move on. 

Hopefully, I can open up to another person again in my lifetime. 

I guess we will see.


Video Game Collection Pt. 5

I have had this game since I was a child. I remember spreading out the glossy paper map that came with it, and looking over the types of monsters in the game. I still have the original manual; it’s missing the cover and in shreds because of my constant handling of it. 

This is such an underrated gem for the SNES. I know it’s partly nostalgia that blinds me, but I have played this game so much, and I never tire of it. It’s one of my favorite games, easily. 

It’s a pretty simple game, and quote bare bones for a RPG. It’s alot like Zelda: LTTP when it comes to combat, and the visuals of the game. Maybe that’s why I love it so much; I played both games at the same time when I was a child. 

You play as young Will, who lives in a small village on the coast. He stumbles into an adventure across the world that involves saving a princess, finding a golden ship, and ultimately, finding his way to the Tower of Babel.

What it lacks in gameplay it definitely makes up wit story. The story is rich with detail, and focuses on complex ideas. Constantly making comparsions to light and dark, and showing the player realistic examples of that. For example, slavery is a common theme throughout IoG, and shows how humanity can be so cruel to one another. 

I can’t campaign enough for this game. I wish everyone could play this forgotten game and fall in love with it. Please, if you need a new game dive into this one.

Trying To Fight The In-between

When I found out Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) committed suicide, I was struck with sadness. I think people asked the question ‘why?’ or ‘how could he do that to his family?’ Some even saying he was selfish. 

This pissed me the hell off.

When I was a teenager, I had no way to express myself. I was not close to my family in an emotional sense. They didn’t understand what was going on, and it was hard to explain. Now looking back o those years, I realize that I was dealing with depression. On top of raging hormornes, trying to define who I am, I was dealing with untreated depression. 

Music was one of my few outlets during this time. my music was heavily monitored, so any music that had cursing or anything explicit really, was off-limits. I was allowed to listen to Linkin Park, despite the screaming involved. I was able to identify with this music. I was able to see I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. 

When it comes to the subject of suicide, I have attempted it once. And trust me, the last thing you think about is being selfish by committing the act.

You feel selfish for living. 

You feel alone, incapable of being loved, you feel like you are in physical pain from sorrow, you feel like you are a failure, you aren’t good enough, you’re not perfect, you have too many flaws.

It would be better for everyone if I was gone.

Don’t come at me with how selfish it is when the person feels like it’s the ultimate selfless act.

Obviously, suicide is a horrible act that should happen. I’m not justifying it. But people who have no idea what it’s like going through something so painful, don’t need to judge. 

I hope Chester found the peace he so desperately needed.



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Video Game Collection Pt. 4

Oh Tomba…

This was a game I fought over with my brother. We knocked over the PlayStation, at least twice, arguing over who was going to get to play. 

My first experience with Tomba was on a kick-ass demo disc a friend of mine had. I remember seeing it all in its 3-D glory. The colors were so vibrant, and the world was so inviting. I loved it.

When Tomba 2 was released, my brother received it as a birthday present. We were so excited for this game. The graphics were amazing for the PlayStation (mind you this was back in 2000). We played this for hours and hours. 

I eventually got the first one when I first started collecting video games “officially” 5 years ago. I have tried so hard to get through the first one. I just can’t do it.

Tomba 2 however…

I play the shit out of this game. I have 100% this game more than once. 

Fuck those mine cart levels. 

I even did the extra mission you can only do with a Tomba 1 save on a memory card. This game is so unrated. It’s so sad that Whoopee Camp shut down after just these two games. If you don’t mind dropping 50-60 dollars on a PlayStation One game or using other ‘methods’ to play this game, check it out. It has unskippable cut scenes, (which I hate with every fiber of my being)late and the menus haven’t aged well. But it’s definitely worth it. 

Eventually I want to stream this, just to share with other people.