All By Myself

These past two weeks have been tough. My depression has been hitting me hard. I’m in the process of getting my medicine modified.. again. The up-hill battle of finding the right medicine for depression is so hard. There is no cure-all pill. When you do find the right one, even then you have to push yourself into a self-care routine. 

I’m slowly crawling my way out of the pit. 

It sucks.

The one thing a person needs during this time is support. Which ironically, is the hardest thing to get when you deal with mental illness.

Let’s be clear: I have had one person in my life that has helped me with my depression. One. 

That’s not an exaggeration. My parents took me once to get treated for depression. I was in the 8th grade, and I couldn’t even be 100% honest about how I was feeling. I felt too ashamed to say I was having suicidal thoughts. That’s all the support I had growing up. 

With school, in general, I had a tough time making friends. I was an outgoing child, but my family moved during a crucial time of social development, then moved back during my junior year of high school.

I have one friend from highschool I still talk to and another that is significant other now. 

I had friends who I called family. But, in the end, I was the only one who was loyal. 

I don’t mean nonsense like they found another best friend or some melodramatic bullshit. I mean, I was there for them during their crisis, but they weren’t there for me. My depression was gross to people. I couldn’t be open about my paranoia or my mood swings. I had to make excuses for behavior sometimes. Like I was cheerful because ‘I was tired’. 

I think my bad luck was due to my trusting nature. However, I’m not a saint.

I have done some stupid and damning things, but in these scenarios, I gave my all in these relationships. Because I so wanted a friend on my level. I wanted a friend to say ‘It’s okay, I’m here for you. Talk to me’. 

I understand it’s hard for people to openly care. When I say ‘openly care’ I mean, we don’t want to hop over an emotional wall because of social awkwardness or lack of empathy. 

And part of me wanted to fix people: I had a friend who was popping pills, had an eating disorder, and suffered from depression. I was always there for her, no matter what. But I never got the same treatment. She was an asshole, plain and simple. She, obviously, had problems. But when my problems came up, she ignored me. She steered the conversation towards herself. She was a master manipulator, and it made me so anrgy that she treated people this way.

This is only one example of my failed friendships. 
I have a few friends in Minneapolis. They seem to have their shit together. Which is a nice change of pace. As for people back in Kentucky? There are a few I still talk to. There are a couple who would do anything for me, and I keep in touch. 

But my only best friend is my significant other: Dillon. He is the only one I can rely on. He knows all my dark corners, and accepts me. And I try to support him back. 

I try to tell myself I don’t need quantity over quality. It hurts that I have been fucked over so much. 

Let me be clear: I’m not trying to play the victim. I have done some things that have caused rights and problems in friendships.

But at this point, there is not much I can do. I have apologized my shitty behavior. But regardless, I have cut the toxic relationships. Sometimes you just have to forgive and move on. 

Hopefully, I can open up to another person again in my lifetime. 

I guess we will see.



Video Game Collection Pt. 5

I have had this game since I was a child. I remember spreading out the glossy paper map that came with it, and looking over the types of monsters in the game. I still have the original manual; it’s missing the cover and in shreds because of my constant handling of it. 

This is such an underrated gem for the SNES. I know it’s partly nostalgia that blinds me, but I have played this game so much, and I never tire of it. It’s one of my favorite games, easily. 

It’s a pretty simple game, and quote bare bones for a RPG. It’s alot like Zelda: LTTP when it comes to combat, and the visuals of the game. Maybe that’s why I love it so much; I played both games at the same time when I was a child. 

You play as young Will, who lives in a small village on the coast. He stumbles into an adventure across the world that involves saving a princess, finding a golden ship, and ultimately, finding his way to the Tower of Babel.

What it lacks in gameplay it definitely makes up wit story. The story is rich with detail, and focuses on complex ideas. Constantly making comparsions to light and dark, and showing the player realistic examples of that. For example, slavery is a common theme throughout IoG, and shows how humanity can be so cruel to one another. 

I can’t campaign enough for this game. I wish everyone could play this forgotten game and fall in love with it. Please, if you need a new game dive into this one.

Trying To Fight The In-between

When I found out Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) committed suicide, I was struck with sadness. I think people asked the question ‘why?’ or ‘how could he do that to his family?’ Some even saying he was selfish. 

This pissed me the hell off.

When I was a teenager, I had no way to express myself. I was not close to my family in an emotional sense. They didn’t understand what was going on, and it was hard to explain. Now looking back o those years, I realize that I was dealing with depression. On top of raging hormornes, trying to define who I am, I was dealing with untreated depression. 

Music was one of my few outlets during this time. my music was heavily monitored, so any music that had cursing or anything explicit really, was off-limits. I was allowed to listen to Linkin Park, despite the screaming involved. I was able to identify with this music. I was able to see I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. 

When it comes to the subject of suicide, I have attempted it once. And trust me, the last thing you think about is being selfish by committing the act.

You feel selfish for living. 

You feel alone, incapable of being loved, you feel like you are in physical pain from sorrow, you feel like you are a failure, you aren’t good enough, you’re not perfect, you have too many flaws.

It would be better for everyone if I was gone.

Don’t come at me with how selfish it is when the person feels like it’s the ultimate selfless act.

Obviously, suicide is a horrible act that should happen. I’m not justifying it. But people who have no idea what it’s like going through something so painful, don’t need to judge. 

I hope Chester found the peace he so desperately needed.



Guys, I have a new article up, check it out:

Video Game Collection Pt. 4

Oh Tomba…

This was a game I fought over with my brother. We knocked over the PlayStation, at least twice, arguing over who was going to get to play. 

My first experience with Tomba was on a kick-ass demo disc a friend of mine had. I remember seeing it all in its 3-D glory. The colors were so vibrant, and the world was so inviting. I loved it.

When Tomba 2 was released, my brother received it as a birthday present. We were so excited for this game. The graphics were amazing for the PlayStation (mind you this was back in 2000). We played this for hours and hours. 

I eventually got the first one when I first started collecting video games “officially” 5 years ago. I have tried so hard to get through the first one. I just can’t do it.

Tomba 2 however…

I play the shit out of this game. I have 100% this game more than once. 

Fuck those mine cart levels. 

I even did the extra mission you can only do with a Tomba 1 save on a memory card. This game is so unrated. It’s so sad that Whoopee Camp shut down after just these two games. If you don’t mind dropping 50-60 dollars on a PlayStation One game or using other ‘methods’ to play this game, check it out. It has unskippable cut scenes, (which I hate with every fiber of my being)late and the menus haven’t aged well. But it’s definitely worth it. 

Eventually I want to stream this, just to share with other people.