1 Sheep, 2 Sheep, White Sheep, Black Sheep

**QUICK UPDATE**

I know it’s been a hot minute since I did a blog. I want to apologize; I have been struggling with a change in medication, and it’s taken a toll. I’m slowly getting better though.


You just know when you are different. There is a disconnect between yourself and who you are interacting with. 
Last night, I had a dream that I was trying to fit in with people so unlike me. I could feel their judgement. I tried to shape myself in their image, but it was no us.

Growing up, I questioned everything. Especially religion. To this day I question it. 

If I had to label myself, I would consider myself agnostic. 

If I had grown up differently, I might still be Christian, but when something is thrusted upon you, you tend to reject it. Christianity wasn’t a choice..

It was the only way to live.

This played a part of a complex puzzle. As a result of not having autonomy, I looked for an outlet; I rebeles in my interests, my clothing, my music, anyway I could.

The other part of this puzzle is my reserved nature. It’s so hard for me to develop deep relationships. I feel like I truly succeeded in one relationship, but that’s it. Partly because I put my empathy and trust into terrible, selfish people, and partly I don’t want people to see under that hard shell. 

I don’t want the soft inside to show.

This is why I’m a black sheep.

I don’t like getting close, I reject the inablity to make life choices, and I’m more interested in counter culture. 

I grew up in Kentucky, but I hate it. I hate country music, cowboy boots, hunting, camp, religion, backwards thinking, and lack of opportunity.

I am not wanted there anyway. I don’t fit in with what little family I interact with. It’s always been that way. I feel like me being born put a thorn in some people’s sides. Like I was an asshole for just being born. Or, they came to the conclusion that I’m a snob. They mistaken my shy, reserved nature as a me being a bitch.

Even in these odds, there’s irony.

Everytime I was mocked, not invited, made fun of, put down by family, taken for a bitch, told I need to pray to Jesus, told I was vain, aggorant, given a sideways glance, an eye roll….

Those assholes made me more convinced to not give up.

To not let them see me knocked down. To show I’m not what they tried to mold me into. To show they couldn’t break me. To show it’s my fucking life, I can so what I fucking want to do.

I have to rise above it, or let them step on me.

Being a black sheep sucks, but it sure as hell beats following the flock.
-E.

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Video Game Collection Pt. 2

I have been extremely sick for the past couple of days, so video games are my only solace. I don’t feel like doing anything. Hell, it’s hard to even will myself to type out this blog. I felt like I needed to do this.

Crash Bandicoot (PS1)

If I ever wanted a comfort game, I don’t have to look any further. Besides Resident Evil 4, I can play Crash anytime. Most people have played this series; even my mom played it. It’s so easy to get sucked into the incredible level design. With vibrant stages and great platforming, you needn’t look no further.

Crash Bandicoot 2 will always hold a special place in my heart. I remember my dad buying this game from my cousin when I was probably 6 or 7. I was so excited to have this game. I played it for hours and hours. I couldn’t put it down. I remember being so impressed with the graphics and how funny the death scenes were. This is my original copy, and I would be hard pressed to get rid of it. 

With that being said, I can’t wait for the remake on June 30th. I may just cry. 
-E. 

And How Does That Make You Feel?

For the first time in almost a year, I had a therapy session. I dreaded this so much. An hour before my session I almost cancelled. I could feel the dread creep up my neck. It gripped me, I felt a pit just grow in my stomach.

I tried to focus on my commitment.

When anxiety starts to set in, I remind myself how my actions effect other people. It’s one of the few techniques I use to get through the day.

There is something relaxing about spilling your darkest secrets to a complete stranger. Socially, it is easier for us to divulge personal  information to someone we have no established relationship with. There will be no repercussions, nothing will damage the dialogue.

The beauty of therapy. 

I speak so frankly about my experiences. I probably concern my therapist. But that’s my problem: my attitude. I am so apathetic. Not necessarily towards people, but towards myself.

And that existential feeling of the world ending eventually.

I seem to have my life together; with goals and financially stable.  Which isn’t bad for a millennial. But, as cliche as it is, I wear this mask. All my energy is put into keeping up my life in other aspects, but emotionally.

That’s why it’s so hard for me to relax. It’s hard to even sit still.

This first session was already an eye-opener, and I felt so….light afterwards.

Hopefully, I can keep this up.

E.

For The Love of Video Games. 

To be a little more positive, I’m starting a series involving my video game collection. Each week, I’m going to showcase a piece of my collection, and what it means to me.
Video game collecting has been a passion of mine. The thrill of finding a game that you have been wanting for years is one of the best feelings. I collect because I enjoy video games. Yes, some do have value, but that’s not why I collect.

When it comes to my struggle with depression, video games give me an out. Only for a limited time, I can immerse myself into a different world. It doesn’t heal me, by any means. It keeps it at bay.

So, my first piece is my Earthbound collection. This is very dear to me because it was the first game I bought when I decided to be serious about collecting video games. This game is such a hidden gem on the Super Nintendo. It’s so original. I laugh at this game constantly, and you really never know what’s going to happen next.

I’ll be doing my regular blog about mental health still each week.

Stay tuned.
-E.