I Had a Breakdown.

Imagine feeling pressure all over your body. Like you have an object on top of you. It’s not a crushing pressure, but enough to make you uncomfortable. You can manage to move with this pressure, but it takes some willpower.

That’s my daily life.

Depression is like a parasite. You can’t just ‘be happy’. It looms over you, like a rain cloud. It makes you think twice about your actions. It makes you feel like no matter what you do, it’s in control.

This week has been so tough. 

Triggered is a word that we use to make fun of people. To troll them on the internet, to poke fun at their opinion or their situation.

Triggered is a word that describes someone who sees a situation, and it makes the depression or anxiety kick in.

I can’t watch a suspense movie without playing on my phone or I get very anxious. I will start to have heart palpitations or get a severe headache.

Today, I got triggered because feminism was being used as an excuse for young men not getting married. And some people reminded me that I was getting triggered.

I can not fucking stand this feeling.

I have to sit down and do whatever I can to not have a breakdown. It can be really major things that trigger my depression/anxiety or something incredibly small.

Both instances give me the same feeling. I have to distract myself immediately or I will start crying. Then I cry so hard, I can’t breathe. Then that leads to lack of interest in anything. I just want to lay in bed, and hope the world ends tomorrow. Then the suicidal thoughts kick in.

It’s just like a rollercoaster. I just have to ride it out. I’m feeling my breakdown right now. I’m right in the middle of one as I type this on my phone. Today, I woke up in an apathetic mood.  If I wake up like this, I’m going to have a decent day. It took 20 minutes to get up.

Then something happened.

And then I got down the spiral of where I feel like I’m worthless, ugly, lonely, etc.

It could be that no one is paying attention to what I’m posting on FB. Because it’s political and they just can’t handle it. Or they don’t care. And these thoughts make me want to curl up and die.

People think that depression/anxiety is just an excuse to not get out of bed. But what’s so terrifying is that there are people worse than me.

How do you get over that? How is that an excuse? No one wants to be fucking depressed. Let me tell you.

I am able to somewhat function, but some can’t get out of bed, some can’t will themselves to eat or bathe. It takes days for some to get the courage to go outside.

This isn’t a generational phenomenon. Depression/anxiety has been around since the dawn of time.

But we are just now talking about it and normalising it because millions suffer from these illnesses. 

My generation isn’t worse than the last, because we are brave enough to talk about it.

I’m barely hanging on by a thread. I am getting treatment, however. I’m going through the process of getting medication that suits my needs. I’m telling someone when I have these suicidal thoughts, so I don’t go over the edge.

It’s so scary dealing with this. Constantly worried about social situations or trying to not be emotional. To have an appetite or write on your novel.

I have no hope. I’ll be frank about that. I have no idea what keeps me going. But I’m here. And I’m trying to get better.

If you are struggling, keep going. Regardless of how you feel, just keep going.

– E.

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I’m a liberal. No one saw that coming right?

Before you put a foot on your soapbox, hear me out.

I used to be a conservative.

Take a moment to gasp.

I feel like I need to talk about this facet of my life because it is so important. Everything is interconnected. My political views reflected my beliefs. My beliefs are an extension of my experiences and my social conditioning. So on, and so on.

I grew up in a conservative household. Most people I interacted with were white. Most of them were middle/working class. And religious. Very religious.

With these influences, I thought voting Republican and being pro-life (gasp) was heavenly ordained.

However, it never made any damn sense to me.

I constantly asked ‘Why?’

Why shouldn’t we be helping the poor with taxpayer’s money? Isn’t that what Jesus taught? Why should I dictate what a woman does to her body?

I know I’m getting side tracked. But politics and religion are so closely related, especially in the good ole Bible belt.

So, why the change of heart?

College.

I have always been a questioning person by nature. But, I was forced to see the other side of the coin.

Hell, I have a BA in Sociology/Criminology. I have met one conservative who majored in this subject.

I wrestled with what I believed in for the longest time.

But, let’s just break it down.

I’m pro-choice because we shouldn’t dictate what a woman does with her body.

I’m for welfare programs, and universal healthcare because not every poor person is lazy. Some are actually disadvantaged. 

I’m for Black Lives Matter, because Surprise! The black community is disadvantaged.

It kills me when people are against these things. If you are Christian, you are supposed to help right?

So, if you made it this far, my point my political stance is a huge part of my life. I feel the need to fight for people that have been fucked.

Like seriously.

This is common sense.

If I can make life better for one disadvantaged person, it will be worth it.

People need to stop using their religion as an excuse. Not using their lifestyle as an excuse.

People need to show a helping hand.

Is that so bad?

WWJD?

-E

Well, Here I Am.

I really hate writing about myself.

So, what the hell am I doing trying to blog?

Good question.

I’m introverted. So, having oodles of contact with individuals is not my thing.

I have depression and anxiety. So, I’m immediately thinking what I write is shit, and everyone that reads it is going to think its shit. Hell, I have already rewritten the intro five times.

I’m a millennial. Millennial = privileged, to some people. So, why would anyone want to listen to an inexperienced, whining, young person about their ‘first-world problems’?

I’m a really negative person. If you can’t tell.

Despite all these things, I really enjoy writing. Like really fucking love it. I wanted to put my passion into good use. I want to relate to other people. I really just want to scream ‘YOU’RE NOT ALONE. I FEEL THAT WAY TOO! LET’S BE FRIENDS!’

I’m a 20 something year old that has most of her shit together. I think. Despite the crippling student debt that came coupled with my degree. Despite my daily fights with my mental illness. And DESPITE not wanting to leave my apartment….

My life isn’t bad. I have had my share of experiences already, and my past has shaped me to be the person I am today. Today I’m semi-content.

This blog’s purpose is for me to vent and to reach people with my venting. My venting consists of my struggle with existentialism, video games, my concern with social issues, the willpower to get out of bed every morning, and me begin cynical. I’m the QUEEN of cynicism.

I want to interact with you guys. This is me dipping one toe into the pool.

So far so good.

-E