As weird as it sounds I have rediscovered my love for reading. Like everything in my life, it’s hard to will myself to stick with anything outside of work.
It’s like I have two modes: ‘work mode’ and ‘I just want to sleep mode’. I’m trying to find that ‘I can at least do ONE thing I enjoy today’ mode. Seriously, even sitting in front of the TV playing video games can be tough.
Of course this doesn’t happen all the time for me, but reading has really helped me enjoy my time alone. I value my personal time so much, partly because of social anxiety, but I just need breathing room for just myself. I just need to stretch my mental self, and not have to worry about staging for everyone.
It’s exhausting acting happy all the time. I have gotten to the point where I just laugh at everything. It’s weird in conversations sometimes.
Anyway, reading about another world, and just completing diving in head first has been so…nice. It’s like my own personal movie that I’m a part of. I always see myself in the protagonist’s shoes. It’s never a third person view, but I see through their eyes. I’m a part of the environment, I’m living and breathing it.
I get so engrossed in the words, that I can’t hear what’s going on around me, and time is just lost to me. It’s frustrating for the people who are trying to talk to me, but it’s an escape for me.
I’m not trying to escape my life or feelings, but it’s liberating when you don’t think about your mental or emotional health. You don’t have to worry about how people see you, or saying the right thing.
Surprisingly, video games or movies don’t do the same thing for me. It may be because I multitask so much in my work, and that’s bled into my personal life. But I guess because you have to concentrate on reading words to comprehend them, it just sucks me in.
It also helps when you have a deadline to read.
Being part of a book club has helped with that as well, and you get to talk to people about the book! So it’s not a single experience, but it’s shared. There is a bit of gratification when your impressions fall in line with others. It’s hard to meet people, but if you push yourself it’s worth it.
I think a goal for the rest of my life will be to always be part of a book club.
-E.
That 20-Something Weird Girl 