Music Playlist #1: Feeling Emotion Through The Headphones

Playlist:
Artist/Song

  1.  The Naked And Famous – The Mess
  2. Jimmy Eat World – Just Watch The Fireworks
  3. Brand New – I Am A Nightmare
  4. Radiohead – Fake Plastic Trees
  5. Smashing Pumpkins – 1979
  6. Yeah Yeah Yeah – Modern Romance
  7. Neutral Milk Hotel – King Of Carrot Flowers Pt. 1
  8. Sunny Day Real Estate – In Circles
  9. The Airborne Toxic Event – Sometime Around Midnight
  10. The Shins – Caring Is Creepy

Writing is a piece of you. Your words are some clue as to how you feel at that point in time. When I write, I usually have music that mirrors my own. When I’m in an emotional, vulnerable part of my book, I listen to these songs. This is a glimpse, mind you, and I won’t go over what each song and/or artist means to me.

I will, however, warn you:

There will always be one Jimmy Eat World song on each playlist.

They are my favorite band, and have been since I was 10. Their music means so much to me. There is alot of emotion that just punches you in each album. Their sound is a testament to my personality: melancholy as fuck. The one thing I love and hate about Jimmy is you don’t know what the meaning is behind each song, but at the same time you do. It’s like a vaguely described situation most of us has been in. 

Seriously, you need to check them out. Start with Static Prevails, and just listen to everything after that. 

Some of these songs are reminiscent of my teenage years. I went through an emo/scene state; I was lost, confused, and had so many unchecked emotions. I was battling untreated depression and anxiety at the same time. Music was absolutely my therapy. I would just cry my eyes out while listening because it was my emotional outlet. 

Don’t judge the music before you hear it, it’s not like ‘Oh, I hate life’. This music really explores emotions. 

Enjoy.

-E. 

And Now For a News Update..

For the few that read my blog, I’m going to be more consistent with my posts. I absolutely love writing, and I want to put more content out there. I hope what I have done so far has benefitted from it. So, here’s what’s going on:
Every Saturday: Mental Health blog focusing around my personal experiences

Every Monday: Music Playlists; I listen to alot of music while I’m writing and working. I would like to share what speaks to me musicially. 

Every Wednesday: Video Game Collection blog; All the pieces will be from my collection, and I’ll briefly describe what it means to me. 

Monthy Updates: I am a contributor to for a website (www.twincitiesgeek.com). I’ll post whenever I do a review. I focus on podcasts, and I do 2-3 reviews a month. 

I will be posting more photos on my photography page. Mostly of the landscape here in Minneapolis, maybe some childhood photograhs, and yes, cats. Alot of cats. 

Thank you to everyone that reads my rambling words. I hope it brings some form of entertainment to your life.
-E. 

Video Game Collection Pt. 3

I didn’t grow up playing RE (Resident Evil). Being a 90s baby, it was hard to not see the excitement around this series. My parents, however, did their best to keep me from violent video games. My first encounter was when the game just came out. A friend had the game, but looking at the game case scared me out of playing it. 
My little child self couldn’t handle the 32-biy polygons. 

My first true experience was RE 4 at a friend’s house. I remember my hands sweating and shaking as I was approaching the village for the first time.

For those who haven’t played this wonderful game: There is a village you encounter at the state of the game. it is one of the most terrifying experiences I have ever had…gaming wise.

You equipped with a handgun and that’s it. Not only do hordes of villagers attack you, but a villager comes after you with a chainsaw.

I saw Leon’s head roll several times.

It feels like it is neverending. To this very day, I get anxiety over this area 

Since then, I have played most of the RE games. I own multiple copies of these games, and I have way too many copies of just RE 4. RE 4 is one of those games I could play anytime. It’s weird, I know. But I love Leon and killing the shit out of the Las Plagas. 

1 Sheep, 2 Sheep, White Sheep, Black Sheep

**QUICK UPDATE**

I know it’s been a hot minute since I did a blog. I want to apologize; I have been struggling with a change in medication, and it’s taken a toll. I’m slowly getting better though.


You just know when you are different. There is a disconnect between yourself and who you are interacting with. 
Last night, I had a dream that I was trying to fit in with people so unlike me. I could feel their judgement. I tried to shape myself in their image, but it was no us.

Growing up, I questioned everything. Especially religion. To this day I question it. 

If I had to label myself, I would consider myself agnostic. 

If I had grown up differently, I might still be Christian, but when something is thrusted upon you, you tend to reject it. Christianity wasn’t a choice..

It was the only way to live.

This played a part of a complex puzzle. As a result of not having autonomy, I looked for an outlet; I rebeles in my interests, my clothing, my music, anyway I could.

The other part of this puzzle is my reserved nature. It’s so hard for me to develop deep relationships. I feel like I truly succeeded in one relationship, but that’s it. Partly because I put my empathy and trust into terrible, selfish people, and partly I don’t want people to see under that hard shell. 

I don’t want the soft inside to show.

This is why I’m a black sheep.

I don’t like getting close, I reject the inablity to make life choices, and I’m more interested in counter culture. 

I grew up in Kentucky, but I hate it. I hate country music, cowboy boots, hunting, camp, religion, backwards thinking, and lack of opportunity.

I am not wanted there anyway. I don’t fit in with what little family I interact with. It’s always been that way. I feel like me being born put a thorn in some people’s sides. Like I was an asshole for just being born. Or, they came to the conclusion that I’m a snob. They mistaken my shy, reserved nature as a me being a bitch.

Even in these odds, there’s irony.

Everytime I was mocked, not invited, made fun of, put down by family, taken for a bitch, told I need to pray to Jesus, told I was vain, aggorant, given a sideways glance, an eye roll….

Those assholes made me more convinced to not give up.

To not let them see me knocked down. To show I’m not what they tried to mold me into. To show they couldn’t break me. To show it’s my fucking life, I can so what I fucking want to do.

I have to rise above it, or let them step on me.

Being a black sheep sucks, but it sure as hell beats following the flock.
-E.

Video Game Collection Pt. 2

I have been extremely sick for the past couple of days, so video games are my only solace. I don’t feel like doing anything. Hell, it’s hard to even will myself to type out this blog. I felt like I needed to do this.

Crash Bandicoot (PS1)

If I ever wanted a comfort game, I don’t have to look any further. Besides Resident Evil 4, I can play Crash anytime. Most people have played this series; even my mom played it. It’s so easy to get sucked into the incredible level design. With vibrant stages and great platforming, you needn’t look no further.

Crash Bandicoot 2 will always hold a special place in my heart. I remember my dad buying this game from my cousin when I was probably 6 or 7. I was so excited to have this game. I played it for hours and hours. I couldn’t put it down. I remember being so impressed with the graphics and how funny the death scenes were. This is my original copy, and I would be hard pressed to get rid of it. 

With that being said, I can’t wait for the remake on June 30th. I may just cry. 
-E. 

And How Does That Make You Feel?

For the first time in almost a year, I had a therapy session. I dreaded this so much. An hour before my session I almost cancelled. I could feel the dread creep up my neck. It gripped me, I felt a pit just grow in my stomach.

I tried to focus on my commitment.

When anxiety starts to set in, I remind myself how my actions effect other people. It’s one of the few techniques I use to get through the day.

There is something relaxing about spilling your darkest secrets to a complete stranger. Socially, it is easier for us to divulge personal  information to someone we have no established relationship with. There will be no repercussions, nothing will damage the dialogue.

The beauty of therapy. 

I speak so frankly about my experiences. I probably concern my therapist. But that’s my problem: my attitude. I am so apathetic. Not necessarily towards people, but towards myself.

And that existential feeling of the world ending eventually.

I seem to have my life together; with goals and financially stable.  Which isn’t bad for a millennial. But, as cliche as it is, I wear this mask. All my energy is put into keeping up my life in other aspects, but emotionally.

That’s why it’s so hard for me to relax. It’s hard to even sit still.

This first session was already an eye-opener, and I felt so….light afterwards.

Hopefully, I can keep this up.

E.

For The Love of Video Games. 

To be a little more positive, I’m starting a series involving my video game collection. Each week, I’m going to showcase a piece of my collection, and what it means to me.
Video game collecting has been a passion of mine. The thrill of finding a game that you have been wanting for years is one of the best feelings. I collect because I enjoy video games. Yes, some do have value, but that’s not why I collect.

When it comes to my struggle with depression, video games give me an out. Only for a limited time, I can immerse myself into a different world. It doesn’t heal me, by any means. It keeps it at bay.

So, my first piece is my Earthbound collection. This is very dear to me because it was the first game I bought when I decided to be serious about collecting video games. This game is such a hidden gem on the Super Nintendo. It’s so original. I laugh at this game constantly, and you really never know what’s going to happen next.

I’ll be doing my regular blog about mental health still each week.

Stay tuned.
-E.

What Keeps the Monsters Away

Depressions is well…depressing. It’s hard to claw your way out of the dark pit that forms beneath you. It’s like a sticky, black substance just covers your body and suffocates you. 

There is a flicker of light I can hold onto though. It’s not hope, but a way to feel to prick my emotional finger, and feel something besides apathy. 

The only way I can grab ahold of this ‘flicker’ is through my writing. I believe every person has some sort of passion. It varies in everyone’s lives, hell, some lose it completely. But at one point in time, each person was passionate.

Writing is the only way I can feel it.

The way I retain it is making myself write every week. I keep a mood journal. I try to write down how I feel, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I especially have to do this when I switch up medication. 

I am working on a novel. I’m 30,000 words in, and it’s a very special time when I work on it. It’s my creation, completely my own to mold into my vision. It’s a very unique feeling when you create a world with characters that you give a life to. 

The best thing I have done, recently, though is writing on a professional level. I am a huge geek. 

I LOVE video games.

When I say love, I mean I spent $100 on a original cardboard game box for a Super Nintendo game. 

That’s so damn dedication….at the least.

I started writing for a local geek website. And I am looking for more opportunities in this realm. I got my first article published this past week. I was so proud of myself. I actually created a decent piece of writing, and people seemed to enjoy it. The podcast that I reviewed even shared it via Twitter.

I was estatic. I know it’s small, but I felt a sense of pride for the first time in a long time.

If you are struggling, try to find that passion. I know it’s tough. It’s hard to get out of bed, it’s hard for me to hold a pen in my hand and make myself write something down on paper. But if you don’t try, you will never find that passion again. You can’t control your depression, but you can swim those dark waters.

UPDATE: I now have a Twitter: @earthhboundgirl

-E.
My article that I mentioned:  http://twincitiesgeek.com/2017/05/the-player-one-podcast-is-for-the-gamers/

Getting The HELL out of Dodge. 


I traded humid, unpredictable weather for cold winters this past September.

From Kentucky to Minnesota, a 16 hour drive with a U-Haul and animals. 

It fucking sucked.

The most exhausting day of my life. Being on the road from 4AM to 8PM. THEN taking 3 hours to unload the U-Haul. Had a crying session, then went to sleep around 1AM. 

Then tomorrow came. Just like it always does. The world didn’t end, and I felt…relieved. We had just made a long journey by ourselves, with our own money, at age 25. 

One of my goals in life was to move out of Kentucky. 

Let me just be real for a second:

I hate Kentucky. 

I can’t stand it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a beautiful state. But…that’s it. The culture is horrible, and there is hardly any opportunity. I’m not going to sugar coat it. Kentucky needs help, but in order for things to get better, we need a social upheaval.

That’s going to take some time and resources that the state doesn’t have. 

When I came to Minneapolis, I was expecting…more choices in restaurants and clothing stores. I wasn’t expecting a totally different culture. I should of known better considering my background is Sociology. But it still surprised me.

I entered a world that spoke tolerance. A city that was trying to accept people and help the community. 

It’s not perfect. At all. But it beats the hell out of Kentucky. 

So, when it comes to my depression, I felt so much better here. Not only was I away from ultra religious, uneducated people, but I could actually talk about my mental illness. 

I couldn’t do that in Kentucky without someone throwing a stigma on me. Do people still judge me? Of course. We are conditioned to do that. But I’m more comfortable in this setting than I ever was in Kentucky. 

I’m so much happier here than I ever was in Kentucky. It’s such a. Nice change in pace. It didn’t solve all my problems, but it helped me cope with my illness.

I never get tired of the city lights. I always look at them with awe. I never get tired of just hanging out in my apartment like I did in Kentucky. Because I know that I have no obligation to hide my true self or indulge people. 

My point, Kentucky isn’t for me. A drastic change helped me cope with my depression. I still struggle, but I’m better off than I was. 

There are many other reasons why I left.

*Cough cough religion cough cough*

But that tale is for another day.

-E. 

Perks of Being A Wallflower

As I’m sitting on my bright orange IKEA couch, the sun is peeking through the windows. I hate natural light, but it is warm and inviting. Instead of enjoying the great outdoors, I’m sitting with my headphones on listening to vaperwave music, writing this blog on my phone. 

I mention this glorious sunset because it parallels my life so we’ll.

I’m a wallflower.

I feel like I’m in and I feel like I’m out. I’m seeing inside and outside at the same time. I’m sitting a fence of being involved and just watching. 

I’m introverted as hell. But I like listening to people, seeing into a part of their lives. At a safe distance, at least. 

I went to an art museum this past weekend. I went for a particular exhibit. Guillermo Del Toro’s At Home With Monsters. Surrounded by eerie paintings and monster wax figures, I was immersed into Del Toro’s mind. I felt like I was the only person there, studying this art.

But I wasn’t. I was surrounded by people who I shared a social conscious with. They were fans of the same director, subject matter. 

I was part of this group, but yet I was so far.

I tried to not get too close to someone when I was looking at a painting or decor. I didn’t want to bother them or really talk to them. 

When it comes to relationships, that’s exactly how I am. I want to be surrounded by like-minded people, but at arm’s length. I want to be there for people; I’m fiercely loyal. However, I have no interest in sharing my private life.

Maybe this has to do with my depression or maybe it has to do with just how my personality is. 

There is a bittersweet feeling attached to my wallflower habits. 

I may not have alot of deep relationships, but I can come and go as I please. 

I don’t get overly attached. Part of me wants that, but part of me is just so focused on myself. On getting better, or working towards my goals. 

This is just another facet of my life I have become to accept. I will always be a wallflower. And I’m okay with that. I’m just here for the ride.

*Quick Update: I have finally started new medication that will hopefully help deal with this depression better. Send good vibes my way!

-E.