Blue or Red Pill? (Enter The Matrix)

I absolutely LOVE The Matrix. I remember when it first came out in 1999. Everyone was talking about it. And every idiot I came into contact with said it was the most confusing movie they ever seen.

So, my 8 year old self prepared mentally. My parents rented it, and let us watch it (because violence is okay, but sex isn’t).

I fell in love with it. And I went to school telling people how stupid they were for not understanding it.

Yes, I was that kid with no filter.

I received Enter The Matrix as a Christmas present on the PS2. This was one of my favorite games from my childhood. I played it so much, I could only play Niobe’s campaign. That’s how scratched up my game disc was.

The cut scenes in the game was live-action that were filmed for the game. You can, also, play as Ghost or Niobe; which have different cut scenes for each campaign.

There was even a ‘hack mode’ for you to input cheat codes.

Mind you, this game isn’t great. I picked it back up on GameCube for 5 dollars. I tried playing through it, and the experience was so different from when I was a kid.
But Goddamn, The Matrix was awesome.

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Something Like Phenomenon

I just got back from a short trip to Chicago to attend Riot Fest. For those who aren’t familiar, it’s a music festival. It’s alternative music that consists of many different elements; from metal to 80s pop. It’s a weird cluster of music.

Which brings out a weird cluster of people.

For the many who don’t know, I used to be an emo kid. I wish I could find a picture in all my emo glory. Anyway, alot of kids at this show where dressed as such. There were a bunch of goth kids, punks, leather, fishnets, and a shit ton of black. 

I really want to know if these people live this kind of lifestyle on a daily basis because I haven’t seen emo hair in ten fucking years. 

It was glorious.

I looked so normal, so out of place. Which I’m not used to. I’m usually the weird one in every social circle I have been a part of. But I have very simple short, brown hair now, and I wore salmon colored shorts with a crotcheted knit top with a bralette. With sandals. And a teale fanny pack.

I looked like an asshole.

Anyway.

This group of people that must live under a rock and only through social media, gathered for their common interest in these bands. 

When Nine Inch Nails started to play that night, there was this invisible connection between everyone. They were so focused on the music, and just letting go to be in the moment. There is a sociological term for this called social conscience. 

I’m definitely paraphrasing from what I’ve learned in college but it’s a shared feeling people get when experiencing something as a whole. 

This phenomenon is what has drived the creation of many different social groups. As I was watching these people, I remembered all the times I saw the seething at church every Sunday. 

Now, I grew up in what people call a ‘holy rollers’ church. Every Sunday, someone would ‘feel’ the holy ghost. This would lead to erratic behavior such as running around, jumping, screaming, etc. This sometimes led to people ‘speaking in tongues’ AKA a ‘heavenly message sent to Earth by God in a heavenly language’s AKA gibberish. Seriously, someone would ‘speaking in tongues’ via holy ghost then someone would interpret the message via holy ghost. 

It was a spectacle to say the least. But the behavior at church and at the music festival was through this shared experience people had. These people believed so much in the music, they were enraptured. Same thing with church. 

‘What the hell does this have to do with mental health?’ you may be asking.

I think it amazes me how people act bases on a shared experience. As an individual, it’s different because no one can justify your behavior. That’s why people can get away with saying a spirit possessed them and made them say gibberish. They has someone to validate their feelings. 

So, when people say you can get over it to me, I get frustrated. I can’t get over my depression with it’s a damn light switch. 

Don’t you think I would if I could? 

But if people experienced depression like I did, there would be validation.

This social gathering experience is beautiful, horrible, and confusing all at once. And I feel like I’ll never be part of that again. Who knows. 

What I could hope for is a chance to be around people who struggle with depression/anxiety and share an experience with them. Maybe then will I feel some validation.
-E.

It’s Been A Hot Minute

I’m back from a much needed break.

I need to apologize for my meltdown post. Its like seeing red when I’m having a bad day. I just feel like I’m going to overflow with emotion, and I used this as an outlet. My paranoia and lack of self confidence got the better of me. 

So, I have been burying my head in Persona 5 for the past week, and just trying to get through the week. I have so much going on in my personal life, I’m doing good to keep my head above water.

One thing I did learn though is that I just need to chill. I’m so uptight and really internalizing my stress. So much, that it’s effecting me physically. It’s horrible. 

It’s so hard for me to let go of the stress. I want to control everything because I feel like I have a better chance of success. But in reality, most of the things I want to control are impossible. I just need to breathe.

I didn’t realize how hard it was to breathe. 

Hopefully, I can just focus on relaxing. Til then, I’ll regularly update as usual. Can’t wait for a new video game blog!
-E. 

Why Do I Bother?

I get so discouraged when no one reads my blog. This is one of the triggers that puts me in a depressive mood.
I get it. The internet is saturated with blogs, streamers, YouTubers, etc. But when your own Facebook friends won’t even bother, it’s disheartening. 

It makes me question my character: ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’ Or ‘I just have shit content’.

I mean, this is mostly me complaining or just putting my feelings on my sleeve, right?

I always say I want my blog to touch people. I am brutally honest because that’s what we need when it comes to mental health. We need to be open about these feelings of sorrow, or these thoughts of death.

But is my voice doing that? Or is it getting lost? Or should I bother?
-E.