Lady Bird 

I finally got to see Lady Bird this past week. I have been following this film for several months, and it was an incredible experience. The premise of the movie is a teenager finding her place in the world. It sounds typical, but it explores her relationships with other people, and how she is a different person with each. She doesn’t necessarily become mature at the end of the film, but has a better understanding of the people in her life.
This movie really hit home with me. As a teenager, I struggled finding myself. I moved when I was 10 years old. It is the worst time for a kid to change schools. I didn’t know anyone, and I tried my hardest to make friends. I did make some, but I never had that ‘friend’. You know, the kind you meet in kindergarten, and stay best friends until graduation; maybe ‘lucky’ enough to have kids at the same time so they grow up to rinse and repeat. I wanted that, mainly because I felt so alienated for no reason.

I think that’s why I turned to the ‘alternative’ crowd. These bands of misfits fit the stereotype of being losers. I hate to say that, but they fit the bill. They were slackers, and didn’t have any ambition. That didn’t appeal to me. I wanted more than a husband and kids. I didn’t want to be stuck in Kentucky. I didn’t want to go to church every Sunday. I wanted out.

This was about the time I started to feel depression.

I started crying during Lady Bird because I knew how she felt. She was an average student who didn’t fit in, and was constantly overlooked. That was me, and no one understood that. Looking back, if I just had one person who would listen to me, and just be empathetic, I would have fared better. We can rewind time unfortunately, but I can be that voice that says ‘you can survive this’. It may seem horrible and hopeless, but there will be a time where you can control your life a bit more, and make your own decisions. Look forward to those days.



‘I’ve Got Out At Last!’

A subject I have always been curious about was demon possession. Growing up, I did believe that it was a real thing, and that terrified me. The fear worsened when I started dealing with mental illness. If you google search ‘demon possession and mental illness’ you get a mass of information from religious establishments trying to prove that possession is real. Or they have a laundry list of how to tell the difference between demon possession and mental illness.

It’s scary because just up until recently we have acknowledged that mental illness is a problem that needs to be taken seriously. Could you imagine living with bipolar disorder or Schizophrenia in the 19th century? You would lead a very difficult life. I reflect on this because it absolutely terrifies me. It’s one of the few irrational fears that I have. If I lived with the mental illness that I have during the 19th century, I could have been put into a mental institution, and went through horrible ‘treatments’.

My mind goes back to ‘The Yellow Wallpaper’ by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. This short story was written in 1892, and is worth your time. It is reflects on the perspective of women at that time; especially when it comes to mental health. The woman in the story is, obviously, dealing with a mental illness and her husband insists on bed rest. The woman’s state of mind is worsened by having to stay in this room during the summer. Could you imagine? Being made to lay in bed for months at a time?

I know with my depression, I have to keep busy. If I don’t, my mind will stray. This is dangerous because I can easily start thinking about everything that is wrong with me, how I’m a ‘failure’, how I’m ‘worthless’,etc. Then I spiral down the hole that is depression. This can lead to suicidal thoughts, mood swings, or even the will to live. On my worst days, I can’t get out of bed; I literally can’t do anything.

We can’t fall into these times again. We need to keep battling this stigma on mental illness. We can’t blame it on ‘demon possession’ or it’s a ‘woman’s issue’. We have to be rational thinkers. We can’t blame what we don’t understand on something supernatural. We can’t blame it on one of the minorities of our society. I hope we never back track this far. I hope we never grasp for ignorance instead of rationality again.



Side Effects Include…

Switching medication didn’t seem like a big deal to me, at first. There is no miracle pill for depression/anxiety. You may find one medication that works great for your mood swings, but you can’t sleep, for example. You are constantly weighing your options. You make this pros and cons list of what you are willing to deal with.

I didn’t think it would be this… complicated. I always minimize my burdens. I feel like I don’t suffer that much. I always feel like it’s just life, and I have to deal with what totally throws at me. I feel like I need to stop doing this. Not necessarily I need to start putting myself, but realize that I’m going through alot right now. I’m dealing with weight loss and gain (currently gaining) my sex drive is either non-existent or I’m like a cat in heat. I can’t sleep worth shit, my face continues to break out, I’m getting these lovely body pains especially in my shins (it hurts so much I limp). However, my mood swings, my suicidal thoughts are under control. So, is it worth dealing with all of the other shit if my depression seems to be interesting control?

I can’t imagine what some people go through with these medications. The side effects are a spectrum; one in particular lowers your seizure threshold. Hopefully, this doesn’t happen to me, but it scares me. So, now I’m having to reevaluate my lifestyle. Do I eat less? Do I switch to a stricter die? Do I need to try different sleep hygiene techniques? Or do I just try new medicine altogether?

It’s a hard decision to make. I know my symptoms are more of an inconvenience than anything, but is it worth inconveniences stacking on top of each other making me miserable in a new way?

A Bit of Ramble. 

I’m treating this post as two. I’m going to do an update on my latest video game finds, and do a mental health mini post. I have been stupid busy, per usual. 

Part One: more amiibos!

I have a problem when it comes to Zelda. It’s embarrassing…almost. When Breath of The Wild came out, I sunk over 100 hours into it in two weeks. I bought all the 30th anniversary amiibos, and slowly been picking up the BotW amiibos. I was able to finally pick up the guardian amiibo:

And the Champion amiibos just released. I found my favorite: 


I haven’t been able to get the rare armor drops unfortunately. Hopefully, it will drop soon. We will see! This month I have been playing Mario Odyssey for the most part. I’m over 200 moons in, and it’s alot of fun. It’s an absolute must for a Switch owner. I think my next pick up will be Wolfenstein on PS4. 

Part Two: PTSD 

I don’t have PTSD, nor am I going to claim to be an expert. I got inspired to write about it, because it’s another facet of mental health that is ignored. 

I listened to the latest episode of the Moth Radio Hour (, and it was about people who survived Vietnam. It was absolutely tragic listening to these people. They experienced death all around them, and saw the darkest side of human nature. It really made think of my grandfather. 

My grandfather is a Vietnam veteran. It’s something he hardly speaks about. When he does, everyone gets really quiet, and listens. I can only recall a handful of times that he has talked about, and honestly, I couldn’t tell you what his real experience was. I feel like if he experienced anything really horrendous we will never know because of the stigma that we put on mental health. We see soliders as the ultimate symbol of patriotism in our country. They are supposed to be strong, brave, and unwavering. Showing emotion is the incorrect way to be a soliders. Emotion shows weakness, irrationality, and empathy. We must have objective, logical, clear-minded people make decisions on the battlefield.

 That is understandable. What isn’t understandable is pushing this kind of responsibility on people without giving them the proper support they need.

We can’t expect people to be okay after they see their friends die. We can’t expect them to be okay after killing other people. We can’t expect them to be okay after they see civilians die in a fight they weren’t involved in. We want to put our veterans on a pedestal, but we only want the heroic side to show. 

We need these stories from watching to show what it does to someone, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.