Cause Of Death: Embarrassment

I have been dying of embarrassment since day one. It was never the funny kind of embarrassment; like I kicked my foot, and my shoe flew off. No, this kind of embarrassment was me acting weird around other people. Every single social interaction I try to analyze what would be the best answer constantly. Then I rake myself over the coals after the interaction. It’s this horrible cycle of torture I put myself through. However, I have tried a few things that have helped me get through it.

Its really hard to curb this behavior when you deal with mental illness. You always feel like you aren’t good enough in the first place. This especially happens when I’m at work. You are expected to hit a certain expectation when you are at work, and I always strive to do so.

So when I make a mistake, and get corrected for it, I freak out. I analyze what I could have done better, I apologize a million times, and I don’t think I’m doing my job well. Even though I know deep down I’m doing everything I can besides working 24/7. It makes me want to quit because I think I’m hindering people. I feel like I’m keeping them from doing a good job, or I’m wasting their time.

It’s so hard to get over this, and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will. The only thing that keeps me sane is not thinking about it. Like the time I fell several stairs at a bar because of the sandals I was wearing. Or like every day of the week I put my shirt on inside out. If I let all of this get to me, I would be in a corner crying all day. I have to pull myself up, and realize that it doesn’t matter. Even if people remember me saying something stupid or whatever, it doesn’t matter. The world didn’t end. I’m still going to do the best I can at my job, or writing or whatever I need to do. Because who the hell doesn’t put their shirt on inside out sometimes?

 

-E.