I’m a day behind. With everything going on in my life, I didn’t have one thought about my blog yesterday. I have so much in my personal life going on, such as buying a house, and my on going journey to conquer my depression. And what’s worse, today I really don’t feel like writing anything.
I have this horrible cycle I go through. Something will happen, something small. It could be a slight on social media or some asshole in traffic. I just get triggered. It just oozes into my daily life, and I feel completely useless.
I feel like my blog is useless. I feel like my novel is useless. I feel like everything I do is useless.
I’m not trying to be ‘Oh, woe is me.’ It’s how I really feel. So why the hell am I writing today if I don’t feel like it?
I have to push myself. I have to think that someone is reading this and getting something out of it. I have to think that my novel will be finished one day. I have to persevere through this.
Now, the nihilist in me feels like this is pointless. No matter what I do, it’s not really going to change anything. That if I died tomorrow, no one will be affected. We all die, and we are all forgotten about eventually.
It’s not the depression talking, it’s just my perspective. I feel like it’s realistic. People that work so hard to have this legacy after they die are foolish. Legacies don’t last. They never do. That’s just, you know, life.
This duality is hard to curb. Especially when you have a indifferent nihilistic perspective, then you have a depressive nihilistic perspective that sucks away your willpower.
I will never be a positive person. Never. Can’t do it. I feel like I’m not positive because I’ve been fucked over by life so much.
So the best I can do is just keep pushing through it.
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