I Had a Breakdown.

Imagine feeling pressure all over your body. Like you have an object on top of you. It’s not a crushing pressure, but enough to make you uncomfortable. You can manage to move with this pressure, but it takes some willpower.

That’s my daily life.

Depression is like a parasite. You can’t just ‘be happy’. It looms over you, like a rain cloud. It makes you think twice about your actions. It makes you feel like no matter what you do, it’s in control.

This week has been so tough. 

Triggered is a word that we use to make fun of people. To troll them on the internet, to poke fun at their opinion or their situation.

Triggered is a word that describes someone who sees a situation, and it makes the depression or anxiety kick in.

I can’t watch a suspense movie without playing on my phone or I get very anxious. I will start to have heart palpitations or get a severe headache.

Today, I got triggered because feminism was being used as an excuse for young men not getting married. And some people reminded me that I was getting triggered.

I can not fucking stand this feeling.

I have to sit down and do whatever I can to not have a breakdown. It can be really major things that trigger my depression/anxiety or something incredibly small.

Both instances give me the same feeling. I have to distract myself immediately or I will start crying. Then I cry so hard, I can’t breathe. Then that leads to lack of interest in anything. I just want to lay in bed, and hope the world ends tomorrow. Then the suicidal thoughts kick in.

It’s just like a rollercoaster. I just have to ride it out. I’m feeling my breakdown right now. I’m right in the middle of one as I type this on my phone. Today, I woke up in an apathetic mood.  If I wake up like this, I’m going to have a decent day. It took 20 minutes to get up.

Then something happened.

And then I got down the spiral of where I feel like I’m worthless, ugly, lonely, etc.

It could be that no one is paying attention to what I’m posting on FB. Because it’s political and they just can’t handle it. Or they don’t care. And these thoughts make me want to curl up and die.

People think that depression/anxiety is just an excuse to not get out of bed. But what’s so terrifying is that there are people worse than me.

How do you get over that? How is that an excuse? No one wants to be fucking depressed. Let me tell you.

I am able to somewhat function, but some can’t get out of bed, some can’t will themselves to eat or bathe. It takes days for some to get the courage to go outside.

This isn’t a generational phenomenon. Depression/anxiety has been around since the dawn of time.

But we are just now talking about it and normalising it because millions suffer from these illnesses. 

My generation isn’t worse than the last, because we are brave enough to talk about it.

I’m barely hanging on by a thread. I am getting treatment, however. I’m going through the process of getting medication that suits my needs. I’m telling someone when I have these suicidal thoughts, so I don’t go over the edge.

It’s so scary dealing with this. Constantly worried about social situations or trying to not be emotional. To have an appetite or write on your novel.

I have no hope. I’ll be frank about that. I have no idea what keeps me going. But I’m here. And I’m trying to get better.

If you are struggling, keep going. Regardless of how you feel, just keep going.

– E.


One thought on “I Had a Breakdown.

  1. twicebornblog says:

    It’s good your talking about it. I just started coming out about a year ago. I’m a 41 year old white male. That doesn’t look good for depression and an existential crisis, but hey. I’ve been self-medicating and have read a ton of philosophy. It’s been a tough spot to be in for anyone, but admitting it in my capacity is a bitch. I just started blogging yesterday, but have been very open now on facebook and people have come out of the woodwork to open up. It’s freeing to be vulnerable and also strong.. I know how you feel, even being someone so different. Thank you.


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